Reflection

I hope you’ll forgive me for the lack of food talk in this particular blog post. There has been a lot going on in my life lately, and as I’m working through some pretty complex emotions, I find that it’s incredibly therapeutic for me to write.

The past couple of months have introduced some real challenges into my life. As usual, December was a whirlwind month, with lots of parties, events, and shopping. Just a few days before Christmas, my grandfather passed away so Dave and I made the trek back home to Missouri to attend his funeral. Many of you know how special Grandpa was (and is) to me, so it’s been an emotional process to deal with this loss. But, as strange as it sounds, going back home was an enormous blessing in disguise. You see, I haven’t always appreciated my family or my roots. To some degree I’ve even been a little embarrassed about where I grew up and have always had a bit of a complex about being from a small town in the Midwest. When I was little, I dreamed about getting out, travelling, and escaping Missouri for good. The amount of energy I devoted to my plans of relocation finally paid off when I moved to Colorado with the idea that I was finally “free.” However, since my departure, I’ve come to realize that what I had wasn’t so bad to begin with. It’s that whole “don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” lesson that we all learn eventually. I don’t know if I’ll ever move back to Missouri, but I do know that it will always be home to me, and I love that.

Some of you know that Dave and I are excited to start a family of our own but have been struggling with a few infertility issues. While my diet has certainly improved my health on this front, there are some problems that just won’t go away, no matter how hard I try. We learned shortly after returning from Missouri that having a child naturally is not much of a possibility for us right now. I can’t say I was shocked, but news like that is definitely hard to take. This comes after devoting a good two years of my life to religiously charting my cycles, temping, reading fertility blogs daily, researching like crazy, taking various supplements and vitamins, adjusting my diet, exercising more, exercising less, visiting a million different doctors, spending tons of money, and taking fertility meds (some of which made me really sick!). By far, the hardest part of this whole ordeal has been going through each cycle getting so excited and truly believing I was pregnant, then finding out I wasn’t, telling Dave, and subsequently being heartbroken each time. It’s taking some time to internalize everything, but that’s ok. Yeah, I know I’m still young, anything could happen, and I shouldn’t give up hope – I’ve told myself all of that a million times. But, the fact of the matter is that this is just plain difficult to go through.

So, as I’ve been working through all of this intense emotional stuff, one would think I’d want to tone it down a little and watch a funny movie or something. No, not me. I tend to be a very cerebral person, so the deeper the better! Upon the recommendation of my cousin, I have been reading “The Highly Sensitive Person” by Dr. Elaine Aron. This book has had such an impact on the way I view myself (past, present, and future) and how I interpret the actions of others. I’ve identified so strongly with the information in this book that I’m reframing nearly every significant event that’s happened in my life in terms of being a highly sensitive person (HSP). I think the title of the book is a bit misleading, as some people I’ve talked with immediately think they are an HSP simply because they cry at movies or struggle with emotions on a regular basis. That is NOT what this book is about. HSPs make up about 15-20% of the population and include equal numbers of men and women. Being highly sensitive mostly has to do with the amount of stimulation your brain can handle before reaching a “shut off” point. HSPs tend to reach this point much more quickly than the majority of the population. As a result, many HSPs are labeled as shy and introverted. These terms have negative connotations in western society, and even though most HSPs are not shy and many are not introverted (there IS a difference between the two), we grow up with those negative labels thinking something is wrong with us. I can relate as I was constantly scolded for being too quiet and shy when I was younger. Looking back, I now realize that my highly sensitive nervous system was working overtime trying to process all the information I was getting. Being quiet didn’t mean I was scared to talk, it just meant I had some things to work through in my head before engaging in conversation. I am finally recognizing my difference as something positive instead of trying to rid myself of my bad habits of “thinking too much” or being “too quiet” in social situations. As an HSP I do value alone time more than the average person, and I believe I also need lots more of it. When I am around people, I generally prefer to have serious conversations, not because I’m depressed or unhappy, but because that’s what I honestly love to do. My family is filled with HSPs and I’ve noticed that we tend to have a LOT of serious conversations at family gatherings. I love that :) Thankfully, my husband has a highly sensitive gene as well (which is probably why we gravitated toward each other), so we’re able to share our experiences and talk through this together. I found this book immensely helpful, and hope this doesn’t sound like a “woe is me, I’m so tortured!” type rant. Obviously I just touched on a few things related to HSPs, but if it sounds interesting to you, I’d encourage you to grab a copy of the book at the library or bookstore. It’s always nice to do a little self-reflection.

Thanks for reading. I promise next time I'll discuss food :)